Karina Tsurkan Biography

Photos from the personal archive - did you have envious people? There were exactly very aggressive ill -wishers. I believed that this is a appendage to the post, albeit abnormally exaggerated. In this defensive and setting system, I lived for years. Now I think: why? Not in terms of weakness, I coped, but in terms of meaning. So actively defended that she had no reason to think about thinking.

Yes, and perceived this with a game, exhausting, exhausting, but a game. Where there is always a “stop” button when it reaches the face of good and evil. So I thought. They are abstract, the pain is very specific. On the one hand, this is a very tangible hell on Earth. On the other hand, I accept it as a visit to God. Perhaps it will be honest and accurately.

And this does not cancel the fact that I will fight and pray to God about justice. But I don't want to know. And it's not only about taking revenge. I don’t want to think, putting my inner world at risk. It's easy for me now. I’m afraid, accurate knowledge will be a test of lice for me: can I forgive? I pray for everyone who consciously participated in my flagrant illegal condemnation.

I want to hope that I do not deceive myself and pray sincerely. Yes, I’m sure that such serious trials are the Providence of God or the Certificate, which means that those whose hands are made are tools in its implementation. We were together all the time. Our life, painted by me in a minute, collapsed. Over the years, he learned to make decisions himself, fall and get up himself.

Andrei knows everything, deeply understands, and reading his letters, I see how wise he is. And how a man hides emotions. When, after three weeks of the house, I was going to court for obvious arrest, in the morning I escorted Andryusha to school. He quickly turned away, it was hard. And he believed a little more in justice. He held on the verdict, but when they brought me to the corridor, at the last moment I turned, he did not know and saw how my little, dear, almost two -meter boy bent over, wrapped his arms around his head, horror and pain in his eyes.

I am writing and roar. He recently told his grandmother: “You know, I didn’t know what evil was before my mother’s arrest.” Karina Tsurkan in the hall of the Moscow City Court during the announcement of the sentence, December of the year. He also believes that I am strong. Since he is the only person whose opinion is really important to me. My mother’s opinion is the top of bias, there is continuous love.

By the way, I am a single mother, he has no father. Rather, he is alive, Andrei is familiar with him, but there is no participation in life by mutual agreement. So in the year my mother, the year of birth, is not very healthy and very weak, suddenly turned out to be not only the mother of the “criminal”, who was collecting transfer to prison, but also together with a teenager of 14 years old.

Needless to say, what is a fourteen -year -old teenager? Without anesthesia, this is unbearable. My mother and I never parted, not for a day. For the first two weeks in Lefortovo, I wrote to her SMS on an imaginary phone in muscle memory. The accusation was brought to me on her birthday - June 22. They let her call her, at least to shout into the phone from afar: "I love you." How did it happen in your case?

There was a very close friend, including for my relatives, she completely disappeared. It took time to understand: it doesn’t change anything, that I would like to hug her, say: “Well, we drove,” cry out a duet. Maybe ... someday. Most colleagues have disappeared from my life. There are those who firmly, with dignity and unambiguously expressed support. After all, everyone understands everything.

And in our time, not rich in exploits, I regard it as a feat. I would ask to make a decision on the law and conscience. How did you come to such a deep faith? I am perhaps the first baptized. We do not know about the ancestors. Grandfather was brought up in an orphanage after the death of his parents and grew up in a solid, convinced communist. I have not heard about faith in God at home.

Vera lived quietly, in a separate “compartment”, I did not touch her. Before the arrest, I knew about the presence of God in my life, but there were no steps to Him. After the arrest, many months may, a year - a prolonged “general confession”, many moments rolled up: cutting out people from life, ridiculous insults, little love, a lot of self, not submissive warmth, rigidity, categorical and many life situations in which I “gathered” the whole spectrum from the “profession of the profession”.

And then the light and attempts to change a lot began to appear in himself, to "pull up." I would say that Vera has become the main one, thereby cornerstone. At the age of 16, immediately after school, I started working, and as if they were launched, like on cockroaches, I ran somewhere, losing my understanding “Why? I lost in myself what was. Two or three years before the arrest, apparently the crisis of meaning came.

Rather, meaninglessness. And I decided it in the only way I knew: to compact my life to the limit with endless self -development, another higher education, lectures, another foreign language with a tutor, my son’s study, museums, theaters. My poor son, finding himself in the stream of my optimization-developing initiatives, miraculously did not strangle him.A short time before the arrest I remember clearly in my head, the beating question: what do you show before death?

What will you look at? And all these contracts, meetings, estimates, reports from this angle looked so difficult that I was scared. After all, before death you can’t change anything, they do not give out a second chance. Well, as usual, drove away everything, drowned out, optimized that even the brushing of the teeth was accompanied by a lecture at Arzamas ... - What is it: yesterday you are a member of the board of the largest state corporation, and today - the prisoner of Lefortovo, where the prisoners take their clothes in the early days, almost undressed to panties?

With an absolutely comfortable life, the leisure time schedule was not between the salon and the club, but with the son between the house, a book on New Arbat on Saturdays, we gained a bunch of books and in a cafe on the second floor for a cake chose that to buy, the Pushkin MiMI, courses. Once where I got, with severe restrictions, I, as usual, fought the first days, like a notorious bird in a cage.

But this did not belong to the conditions. I was used to being inextricable with my mother and son, it was physically painful, like amputation without anesthesia. I could not close my eyes - my son’s face was immediately. Well, of course, I did not understand what was happening. But the conditions of shock were not called, they simply did not notice them.

At first, the tradition was outrageous and unacceptable to me to endlessly discuss the topic of food. Then I joined this common trend, but more out of solidarity. Of course, there are restrictions that are unpleasant for any woman, but certainly not tragic. I sincerely try to understand that from domestic restrictions it has become a shock, and I do not find it. Apart from the lack of the opportunity to be not under the “vigilant eye”, even for a second, even in intimate moments.

Perhaps the most difficult after separation from loved ones is the lack of the possibility of loneliness, even for a short while. The gospel “Enter your room and, having shut your door, pounded” became a pipe dream ... - Like, gradually selecting pieces from the usual living conditions, it becomes clear that you really need except for the main thing - loved ones. In my case - coffee, apple and books.

The glory of the Lefortovo Library, Ozon. And this is what is the consequence of this “stopped running” of my “stopped running” - I returned to that myself, before the beginning of the “run”. At twelve years, I rushed home from school, so that, grabbing an apple, climbing my feet on a sofa with a book. She always wrote a list of books “To read”, bought in stacks. I spent these three years in my volume state - with a book and an apple, cleaning the old lists “to read” and creating new ones.

But the main thing is not that, probably. During the period of my almost summer “race”, imperceptibly for myself, I “grind” with sins, passions and, even more disgusting - sins and passors.